By james art I’d consider looking away now if you’re a Paddy fan…
Seeing as we’re getting very close to Halloween, which means a lot of you are going to get it very wrong and need some food to think about your actions, I see no better time than to rank the best drunken takeaways after a big night out. I considered the quality of the food, the cost of the food, the likelihood of being called a boss, the general aesthetic, and your chances of getting food poisoning the next day.
10) Pizza Uno/Pizza King/Pizza Base
I know that means we’re ranking more than ten takeaways, but all of these places are exactly the same. They literally have identical menus and prices, you just choose which one has the least busy line. If I had to choose, I would choose Pizza King, it has the best decor inside.
9) Metro
Going to Subway is a bit like going to Babs – you get a reliable and safe product, but feel a little disappointed and financially strained afterwards. The larger one on North Road is the better bet of the two as you can actually sit down.
8) Bunty
Nothing specifically wrong with it, Stantons is just better and cheaper. Unless you’re so incredibly messed up that you can’t walk the extra thirty seconds to Stantons, why would you even go here? Maybe I’m just salty that I was once told my food would take “just five minutes boss, just five minutes” only to be waiting another 20 minutes.
7) Lebanese
There’s just something so magical about this establishment, it’s such a jack of all trades. It closes earlier than most at 11pm, but that means it’s the perfect place to go if you realize on a bar crawl that you don’t have the minerals to stand in a smoking area for three hours.
6) Best/Dunelm
Okay, okay, these two aren’t really takeaways – but who hasn’t popped down to Best One for some gum before a big Jimmy’s night out, and who hasn’t picked up a cheeky Dragon Soup from Dunelm on the way? Cheap, short queues and a very high chance of being called a boss regardless of your gender, a simple convenience store will never let you down.
5) Paddy’s
I’m not too sure what to do with Paddy’s, I’m in my third year now. This place really felt like a second home like a fresher, but I just can’t do it anymore. The screams, the crying, the chaos. Your night certainly isn’t over when you walk into Paddy’s, if anything it’s only just begun – it’s not for me anymore, but there’s something pretty special about it that I have to admire.
4) NkdBird
Maybe it’s a little harsh that this is in fourth place, considering it’s definitely the best quality food when you’re sober. However, this doesn’t really appeal to my boozy palette and it’s also on the pricier side. I’m pretty sure they do serve alcohol, which means the night doesn’t have to stop when you leave Jimmy’s.
3) Urban oven
Pretty much just Claypath’s answer to Paddy’s, but the food is a bit nicer and the noise more tolerable. I haven’t been in a few weeks and I’m already getting withdrawal symptoms from the peri-peri salt. If you’re a really loyal customer, you can even win a free Urban Oven hood.
2) Stantons
I’m not going to share my very simple snapshot of Stantons wall, but I think the fact that I have the picture shows how much I love this place. £4.95 for a battered sausage and chips is absolute gold dust in this economy and may have contributed to my autumn era of ‘filling up’. Solid portion sizes and the staff there are really nice.
1) A large bird
I saw someone get married in Big Bird once, so I think that says it all. It really is the theater of dreams – literally anything can happen there and you won’t be surprised. The food is always great, it’s cheap and the location just couldn’t be better. Even seeing the logo sober makes me crave it a little.
Images via Google Maps