By james art Exponential growth – getting bigger, faster. Throughout recorded human history, there have been several phenomena indicative of exponential growth—nuclear chain reactions, bacterial reproduction, and pyramid schemes—that spring to mind. Now it seems that Durham University is being added to that attractive list, which since its establishment in 1832 has been dedicated to continuous outward expansion.
Recently released minutes of this month’s Durham County Council meeting revealed four new planning permission applications submitted by the university since the start of October. These developments follow the establishment of South College in 2020 and ongoing work to relocate St Hild Bede College to Rushford Court, amid growing concerns about the viability of the university’s expansion.
The first and perhaps least invasive of the plans is a proposal to hollow out Josephine Butler College’s iconic mound, making way for a one-bedroom “bungalow.” On closer inspection, the interior sketches look like the ultimate windowless TARDIS, even coming equipped with a sensitive sealant and an unlimited toaster. Upon hearing of the proposed development, one Butler student remarked – “They’re building a Teletubbies blunderbuss?”
Further details reveal that this new building will house the college’s artist-in-residence of the year – a rather fitting choice considering that no one has ever seen the artist in the flesh.
Strangely, the second planning application submitted does not include an actual building! The details of this proposal appear instead to be in the form of a 250-tent campsite on the grounds of the racecourse. This plan comes in the light of a recent report that the racecourse has been used for a total of 2 ½ cricket games in the last decade.
When discussing this particular proposal at the County Council meeting, a spokesperson for the university mentioned – “renovating the long-abandoned Durham City Baths building” – in – “sort of like a soup kitchen for students, freps off“.
However, the planned campsite has already received a strong backlash from students currently living in Parson’s Field (aka Prison Cuth’s), one of whom proudly commented – “We’re quite pleased to lay claim to the most dilapidated-accommodation-in-town” .
Following this theme of rejuvenating soulless shells of bygone civilizations, the third suggestion is found in Neville’s Cross. Probably the most expensive of the plans, Neville’s Column will be a 36-storey skyscraper, possibly inspired by Hadrian’s Tower in Newcastle. Ambitious plans for Neville’s Column include an unheated rooftop pool, a ground-floor ‘rustic’ restaurant exclusively serving leftovers from Zing Kitchen, and even a dedicated maisonette for the vice-chancellor.
The latest of the university’s proposals is a plan to demolish seven sections of Durham’s famous viaduct, reducing its total number of arches from 11 to four, to make way for Esteamed Heights – seven three-storey, 27-bedroom houses, each with a communal kitchen and a bathroom. If Estamed Heights residents wanted to get out of Durham, they could find both Durham Station and the Samaritans branch just a stone’s throw from their door.
When asked about these four new planning permission applications, Bill D. Moore, Durham University Campus Manager said – “The ever-expanding ever-expanding spiral over and over again needing more outside space, ever-infinite expansion of growth, dominant without horizons…”
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