You have more control over your emotions than you think – public radio in South Carolina

Let’s say you went through a breakup. You are broken, confused and angry. What do you do with all these feelings?

It’s up to you. You have the power to “turn the intensity up or down on an emotional reaction” in a way that is useful to you, says psychologist and neuronuka Ethan Cross, author of a new book published this week, Shift: Managing your emotions – so they don’t manage youS

The ability to adjust your feelings is important. “Emotions are valuable, helping us to navigate the world,” Cross says. “They become less useful when they are too intensive or not intense enough.”

So, whether you want to immerse yourself deeply in emotion or put it on the side so far, there are tools that you can use to extend or shorten the time we spend in this [emotional] Answer or move from one emotion to another, “Cross says.

Cross, who is also an author of Chatter: The voice in our head, why does it matter and how to use itHe shares the insight from his new book. This interview is edited for length and clarity.

Left: Mike Blessed; Right: crown /

The idea of ​​shifting your emotions around is contrary to the general wisdom that is confronted with your feelings at the moment is the only way to let them go. What do you think about it?

It is a myth that when we have a great emotion, we must immediately reach its bottom.

There is a value in this at times, but there is also a value in strategic avoidance of things for a certain period of time. For example, when I was provoked by a difficult conversation, I found that Immers in the work for a few hours or even a few days could remove the sting from the problem.

You do not need to choose between just stand up immediately or avoid chronic. You can come back back -back and do everything that is useful.

How to find out when to stand up or push your emotions right now?

If you have access to the emotions that accompany this problem, work through them, find some resolution and get a sense of closure that allows you to continue, then great, continue to do it.

But if you find that you are trying to overcome the problem and not make great progress – you turn it over and over and it does not make you for a while and come back later.

Your book includes many tools to help people deal with their feelings, including talking to a friend. How useful is this?

It is customary to talk to our network of problems we are experiencing. And many people think that the way to support someone else is to allow them to express their emotions.

There were many studies on the emotional consequences of this. What we learned is that it’s not so simple.

Occurning can sometimes make things worse. Sometimes you leave the conversation just as upset, if not more distinct than when you started, because you just took advantage of all the negative things.

What usually works better?

First, share what you are going through. It is important to take it out so that another person can learn about your experience and sympathize with you. But then at some point in the conversation, the other person will help you recharge your experience.

How can anyone do this without going out as, “Oh, it’s just positive!”

[If I were the friend listening]I could ask them what they would have told me if I was experiencing this experience or shared how I dealt with similar types of experiences.

I can ask them if they did something like this in the past and how did it work?

We have problems with access to solutions when we are in a great negative emotional response. And there an emotional advisor, so to speak, can be an incredibly valuable guide.

In your book, you say that changing your environment can also affect your emotions. How does this work?

We often talk about how positive attachment figures provide a sense of comfort and support that help us deal with the discomfort. Well, we can also be securely and positively attached to places. And when we visit these environments, they can help us restore us emotionally.

So think about those safe spaces in your life that you can visit to help you feel better. For me, this is the local tea house where I wrote my first book and the local Arboretum and one of my campus offices.

Tell me about WoopA motivational strategy developed by social scientist Gabriele Oetiingen. It means desire, result, obstacle, plan. How can this tool help us create goals around our emotions?

This technique can help us overcome obstacles that prevent our goals from achieving our goals [including ones that have to do with emotional regulation]S For example, you are not angry so much that you are exploding or not going down the rabbit hole of Romanian and despair.

Let’s say that my goal is not to be upset when one of my children does not listen to me. This is my wish.

O is my result. If my wish is fulfilled, I will have a better relationship with my child. This is energizing, right? This will now nourish me to pursue my desire not to react.

The second o is my obstacle: fixing the disrespectful thing that was said and reacting in a way that can make me act.

And then comes P, which is my plan. If I find that I am focusing on the disrespectful thing that has been said, then I will take the time in 10 minutes and return to the situation.

What makes this plan so magical is that it takes away the thinking from regulating. You know exactly what to do because you have rehearsed it.

The digital story was edited by Megan Keane and Claire Marie Schneider. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We will be glad to hear from you. Leave us voicemail on 202-216-9823 or send us an email to [email protected]S

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